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Destructive Behaviour

If you relate to this from your own or a friend or relative's experience, you’ll understand that there can be a deeper, even desperate desire to “fix” or “change” the partner in an attempt to help them stop the destructive behaviour.

One of the most important things to come to terms with is the fact that no matter how much you love someone, you don't have the power to make them give up a behaviour they are not ready to relinquish. And no matter how much your partner loves you, it’s extremely difficult for them to let go of a self-harming behaviour that provides short-term relief or a sense of numbing or self-soothing.

Typically, the self-destructive behaviour is just the symptom of deeper, untapped, and unresolved issues that have not been identified, processed, or healed.  

Although it's understandable that your love and concern gets harnessed in an effort to “help” your partner, it actually can set you up for feelings of resentment, frustration, anger, and helplessness when all of your attempts inevitably don’t work. These efforts are always well meaning, but they are often fuelled by desperation and anxiety. If your loved one is entrenched in their self-destructive act, they may misinterpret your passion about wanting them to be healthy as judgmental, critical, or motivated by anger. They may accuse you of not being supportive or not understanding their needs and their pain. They might try to rationalize their behaviours as they look for ways to make excuses for or justify what they do.   

DON’T:

  • Obsessively worry about your partner’s behaviours. This has no actual impact on their actions and can emotionally, physically, and mentally deplete you.  
  • Attempt to motivate them through guilt by saying things like, “If you loved me enough you’d stop.” This always backfires and creates even more guilt that can fuel the self-destructive behaviour.
  • Use shame or humiliation in an attempt to change your partner’s behaviour.
  • Take their actions personally. It's not about you, it's about their own unresolved issues and pain.
  • Tell your partner that they are “sick” or “need help,” as this can make them even more defensive.
  • Ignore your own responsibilities or right to self-care in order to “cover up” for your partner and the consequences of their self-destructive acts.
  • Collude with secret keeping.
  • Take on the role of being your partner’s therapist. It's not your job, and you couldn't possibly have the objectivity to be effective.

DO:

  • Let your partner know you love them and you care about them
  • Show compassion by letting them know that you understand the struggle they are grappling with and how challenging it can feel to let go of something they experience as helpful in the short-term.
  • Tell your partner that “they deserve support” when attempting to connect them to resources.
  • Communicate your belief in their ability to learn new ways to cope and to genuinely heal with professional guidance.
  • Be clear that it is not your problem to fix and that you don't have the power to change another human being.
  • Get the support that you deserve to safely process any legitimate feelings that surface for you, and to learn how to set and hold appropriate boundaries.
  • Know that you have the right to end a relationship when it is abusive, unfulfilling, one-sided, or when your partner adamantly refuses to do what they need to do to be healthy.

It’s common for people who self-harm to downplay the seriousness of their excessive drinking, drugging, bingeing, purging, starving, cutting, or other addictive or self-harming behaviours. They also may underestimate or even be oblivious to the impact their actions have on them and on your relationship. Some people are in full denial about their behaviours, even when you have solid, objective evidence that confirms what they have been doing. When your loved one is invested in continuing a behaviour, they may act in ways that are selfish and even attempt to “protect” their actions by lying to you.

Believe in yourself and know that you are the best person to make choices for yourself.

 

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My name is Tina Turpin and I’m a counsellor and psychotherapist and have worked with hundreds of clients.

I am a BACP-certified counsellor, who takes an empathetic, integrative approach to helping my clients reach their potential as people.

Every one of us is different, and as such I tailor my approach to each individual client’s needs and focus closely on the client-therapist relationship. For me, respect, trust and empowerment are fundamental to this relationship.

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I tailor my approach to each of my clients, respecting their personal, individual needs and requirements.

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An initial consultation allows me to introduce my service and ensure the counselling and therapy I can offer is right for you.

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An initial consultation allows me to introduce my service and ensure the counselling and therapy I can offer is right for you.

My story

My extensive experience as a Hospital and District Nurse and Midwife motivated me to work more with people. The wisdom gained has inspired and complemented my work as a counsellor.

My previous experience includes voluntary work at the Fountain Centre, a charity providing support to cancer sufferers as well as their families and carers.

I am now established as a counsellor and psychotherapist helping clients both online and in-person at my dedicated counselling practice.

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Individual counseling can help you deal with many personal issues in life such as anger, depression, anxiety, marriage and relationship challenges.

Couples

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Helping with more professional and work based issues, such as interpersonal relationship, office politics, performance anxiety and team issues.

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Frequently asked questions

Yes, counselling is confidential.  Counselling is built on trust in a secure professional relationship.  I work within the BACP Ethical Framework where confidentiality is essential. There may be exceptional circumstances where I will need to break confidentiality but I will not do this without first talking to you.

I see clients on their own and I also see couples. Couple therapy could be two partners, two spouses, two family members or maybe two friends.

Each session lasts 50 minutes.

It's £70 per session for individuals or professionals and £85 for couples.

This is something that we can decide between us. Some people find short-term counselling (6 – 12) sessions helpful, whereas some wish to work in a more open-ended or long term way.

Usually it will take a number of counselling sessions before therapy starts to make a difference, although on some occasions, a single session may be enough.  We can decide together how many sessions will be needed.

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I am an empathetic person by nature, and I strive to provide you a safe, trusting and private space in which to grow and learn about yourself

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